There is a God and I am not Him

“Something is wrong!”

This was what’s on my mind as I entered the hospital’s emergency room and told the nurse I wanted to be admitted. Of course, physically something is really wrong with me. I can’t breathe well. I wish they’d put an oxygen in my nose. But the nebulizer was already a great relief. My fever subsided after I took paracetamol, just long enough for me to travel two hours back here in my home town. I live alone and work in the neighboring town. It took four days of fever until I decided to go home and finally do this.

That ‘something wrong ‘ is what would I realize on my stay in the hospital. I remember the second night I still had fever and run out of medicine. It took me a hundred times to think before I decided to text a friend to buy me one. I was thinking I can do it myself. He might be resting already or have an overtime and I don’t want to disturb him. As much as possible I don’t like to ask help from others. I am used to doing things myself. I guess being a bread winner for a time after landing a job made me behave like this. I am self sufficient. I can fend for myself. I am strong and healthy.

A chord was attached to my right hand where the steroids were injected directly to my veins. I had a great difficulty brushing my teeth. I find it very irritating that I couldn’t clean my teeth so well and I started to feel impatient. But then I thought, since I can’t do anything about it, why not reflect on it and find out what God is telling me in this situation. So I asked Him. As I was using my right hand to guide my left hand in brushing my teeth, God was telling me I don’t live alone for life. I need someone to help me and guide me in order to do things right. Yes. Doing things RIGHT. I am where I am right now because I thought what I did with my body was right. I need to learn to ask help from others. I realize that there are people who would just be happy to reciprocate the kindness I extended to them and I deprived them of the chance to do so. Just like the friend who bought my medicine. They are one of God’s blessings and I don’t make use of them. Wasn’t I daily pray that I may use His blessings well so I would be a blessing to others and give Him glory?

In the middle of the night I found myself having a contrite contrition. I thought of the kind of medicine and the dosage that was given me. I realized how delicate was my situation. I thought it was alright that the symptoms were tolerable. I didn’t realize that I am getting older and those symptoms are no longer alright even though I experienced some of it before. I made the weather an excuse to miss regular exercise. I asked sorry for the things I did wrong. I had a lot of worries and I forgot to let Him join me. I thought I could handle them and it’s going to be alright. Yes, maybe to my mind, but to my body it wasn’t alright. I realize my accountability with my life, particularly with my body. I remember I thanked Him before for this second life. ( I couldn’t remember how and when did my first life ended….Hmmm..) I promised this time I would better take care of myself. This life is just borrowed and I have to return it just as good if not better as it was lent me. God showed me how meticulous He is with His property and He is reminded me that I am not taking care of it as He wanted me to.

God cares for us more than we care for ourselves. He takes care of a lot of things for us that we never even realize. This is the big thing I learned during my one week vacation at the hospital. I say vacation because during that time, I felt the presence of God more concretely. I felt pampered like a baby. I felt I have His ears alone for myself. That what ever I say, He is like staring at me and listening intently. It was really like having a honeymoon with God after having my first Life in the Spirit Seminar.

Just like one of the great preacher said. When something needs to be done or taken care of in our life, we should not put it in OUR list. Rather put it in God’s to-do-list. He can’t help us unless we ask and surrender them all to Him. Although He has already a lot of things to do, but still, why wouldn’t we? After all, He is a God…….. and sometimes we forget that we are not Him.

Again, Bea… there is a God and you are not Him!


Bea Leones is a friend-writer from Capiz whom I met through the Kerygma Frappr site. Thanks Bea for this inspiring reflection!